Being a married woman in my mid-twenties, with a good life, you wouldn’t know I was battling loneliness and depression. Easter is when it hit the hardest; the moment my marriage ended, and my world fell apart. How did we get to this point? All it took was a phone call from my husband with the words “I don’t love you anymore.” At that moment I honestly thought it was a cruel joke until he didn’t come home, it didn’t become real to me until I received a text, telling me to relinquish all his stuff with no problems. In a room full of my family, I had never felt more alone.
I remember standing in the middle of my bedroom, glancing at my empty closet, and started crying. My grandmother rushed in to hug me, trying to convince me that it’ll all be okay; to me, it was like I’d lost an entire part of myself and no one could understand. I hated having to go out anywhere someone might run into me, it was like the whole world knew and the bubble I was living in constantly grew smaller around me, I couldn’t stand the looks of pity people wore for me when they saw me.
Upon returning to work I mustered up the strength to through walk the door; I looked at the man who had been there for me my whole life as a second dad to me and held my breath because I couldn’t break; hugging me he’d said he was sorry, I let go knowing that if I held on longer we’d both be crying. I walked to my closest friend, she held her arms around me tightly, the weight of the pain slammed down on me when she let go of me, I sunk to the floor crying because I’d been holding in everything for so long. Another friend came rushing to my side, both telling me I am stronger than I know and that I’ll make it through this, but I honestly didn’t know how to.
Almost a week later my first night alone I began packing up our life together; every time I saw the words “I love you” or a picture of us smiling together the loneliness crashed into me and the tears would start rolling down my cheeks as all those memories of us played on in my head. Depression isn’t just sadness, depression disguises itself as many different emotions, like the growing anger I was facing, while sifting through all our stuff I would throw my anniversary cards across the room or tear up all those memories. Screaming to the walls “How could he do this to me!” I admit that sleep didn’t come easily to me if it came at all; I mostly lay awake at night replaying and wondering about everything I did wrong. I constantly put myself down; telling myself I’ll never be good enough, I’m not the type of person that’d reach for a bottle but every night I found myself drowning in more and more glasses of wine because with every drink I took, it numbed the pain a little more so I didn’t have to feel anything at all, and with that came sleep.
Throughout the weeks, events began to unfold, I found out who was truly there for me, not only did I lose my marriage, but with it my best friend. The one person you’d think would be there no matter what left me drunk, and crying on the floor, only to block my social media after she walked out my front door. Sadly I had to find out through my ex-husband that she and her boyfriend took his side when there weren’t any sides to take but through this, I found out how much they truly despised me. It wasn’t the best time for me to find out who they truly were, but I came out better off because of it, I knew I had to pick myself up and keep going. As days grew into weeks, and weeks into months things became easier, feelings of loneliness came and went; but then the biggest test I could face was my cousin’s wedding I was in. I worried so much about how I was going to make it through, I could barely make it through the day without crying about my failed marriage or my lost friendships or even drinking to numb the pain. I put on a brave face, looked at the woman in the mirror, and told myself I can do this. I was determined not to let my depression get to me, I danced, I even caught the bouquet, I talked to people who mean the world to me, took in every ounce of love and confidence they threw at me and for once in what seemed like forever I smiled. More and more weeks began to crawl by I found myself growing stronger every day.
Five months ago, I thought my entire world had crashed; I heard the words “You’re stronger than you know.” So many times that I started to believe them and once I did my whole life changed, day by day I grew happier, I spent my time falling in love with a woman I had long forgotten had existed because I lost her so many years ago. After putting myself down for so long I began to believe that I wasn’t capable of loving someone or even being loved myself, but five months later not only did I find myself but I met a man who is so wonderful and spends his days proving to me that he loves me and I thank God for bringing love into my life because being with him shows me how love is meant to truly be and falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world. I fell into depression’s grasp but by the grace of the good Lord, the love and support of my family and friends, I realized the true meaning of strength, and now I live every day full of love and happiness. When I look back at it now, what I thought was my greatest tragedy turned out to be my biggest blessing in disguise. When the world creeps in on you, find someone to talk to; deny depression the chance to ruin you, stand up, and claim your own happiness.
Deanna Fullerton, M.A. ( Eagles Rest Counseling )
Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor
Murfreesboro, TN. 37130
Kim Turner, M.A. ( Birds on a Wire Counseling )
Murfreesboro, TN. 37130
Murfreesboro, TN 37130
Lisa Bowker, B.A. ( Sowing Hope Christian Counseling )
Counselors Outside Rutherford
8 Locations across Middle Tennessee
Suicide Prevention Lifeline